A former high-priced prostitute. Now a happily married woman with a lot to say about desire, admiration, and crappy marriages.

Let's get it out of the way: yes, that kind of former career. Expensive, discreet, and educational in ways no university has figured out how to accredit.

For years, married men paid me to do something that sounds wild when you say it plainly: listen to them. Notice them. Laugh at their jokes. Ask what they were proud of. Most of them weren't looking for anything exotic. They were looking for attention — and they'd quietly stopped expecting it at home.

I didn't learn that wives were the problem. I learned that attention is the most underpriced currency in marriage.

These days I'm retired, married to a man I'm genuinely crazy about, and I'd like to share the trade secrets — with the women those husbands went home to. Not to scold you. To arm you.

What I believe

• I love men. I can't stand smug entitlement — from anyone.
• Marriage advice full of euphemisms helps no one. Say the word. Then do something about it.
• Nobody owes anybody sex. Desire has to be wanted, safe, and mutual or it isn't desire.
• A happier marriage starts with a woman who knows what she wants.
• Fun is not optional. It's load-bearing.

A note on the name

Bonita Raven is a pen name — the voice I write in. I keep my real life, and everyone who passed through my old one, private. You won't find client stories with names attached here, ever. Discretion was the job, and it still is.

I'm not a therapist or a doctor, and nothing I write is professional counseling or medical advice. I'm a woman who's seen a lot, laughed through most of it, and would like your marriage to be a lot less crappy.