Why Your Husband Stopped Flirting With You

Picture a backyard barbecue. Nice people, decent wine, a man at the grill who's clearly proud of his ribs. He's been at it since noon. He brings the platter over, does a little flourish, and says, 'Ladies, prepare to be impressed.'

And his wife — loud enough for the cheap seats — says, 'Don't get excited, he's been impressing nobody since 2011.'

Everybody laughs. He laughs too. Men are well trained. But watch his face for two more seconds and you'll see the little light go out, the one that made him do the flourish in the first place.

Flirting means a man sticks his neck out. He tries a line, a look, a goofy move in the kitchen. It's a tiny gamble: will she play, or will she make me feel like an idiot?

Crappy wives answer that question in public, over and over, and then wonder why he stopped asking. He didn't lose interest. He lost the bet one too many times and quietly left the table.

A man will survive almost anything except being made small in front of people whose opinion he cares about.

What I saw from the other side of the bar

In my old life I met a lot of grown men who'd forgotten they were funny. Ten minutes with a woman who laughed at the joke instead of correcting it, and you could watch them come back to life like a houseplant someone finally watered. They weren't looking for worship. They were looking for an audience that wasn't keeping score.

That's not proof that wives are villains. Plenty of men are dull as dishwater and need a kick. But if your husband WAS playful and stopped, ask yourself honestly who taught him that playing wasn't safe.

Teasing versus roasting

Good teasing is a private joke said out loud — it makes him feel like he's on your team. Roasting is a performance for the room at his expense. One says 'I adore this idiot.' The other says 'I'm embarrassed I married this idiot.' Your friends can tell the difference. So can he.

How to get the flirting back

Stop the public roast cold turkey. If you have a complaint, it goes home with you, not into the potato salad conversation. Next time he does the flourish, play along — 'Oh, I'm prepared, sweetheart' — and watch the man straighten up an inch.

Then flirt first. Not because you owe him anything, but because somebody has to buy the first round after years of drought. Send the cheeky text. Laugh at the dumb joke. Make it safe to try again, and most decent men will try again faster than you'd believe.